when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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