Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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