Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
