I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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