He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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