Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
