My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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