I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
