if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
