If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
