??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
