Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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