hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
