We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
