Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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