blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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