I think I died a long time ago.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
