Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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