I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
