Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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