The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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