Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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