you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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