I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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