I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize