I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
