either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
