shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
