Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
this is an emotional support booty call
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
