When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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