when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
