It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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