using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
