whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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