Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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