Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
