If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
