I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
