Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
