My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
