Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
