can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
