My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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