I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
