R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
