i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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