Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I looked at my own cervix.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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