im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
