He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
