it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
