finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
