So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize