I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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