Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
