just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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