I could make wine with my vomit
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
